Tube Steaks

THE BIGGEST LOSER

It's obvious this show goes against everything we stand for. It is our nemesis...our Darth Vader. What decent portly human being would possibly want to lose all of that extra lovin'. Unfortunatly, there are a few in the world that believe losing 200 pounds is a good thing. Without portly people, the pork rind industry, for one, would be done for, let us tell you! Despite our distaste for this show, we bit our lip (and several cupcakes) and decided to be the bigger men (pun intended) and view the horrors of world champion portly people...portly people who would have a space on our wall of fame...if we had a wall of fame..or even a wall for that matter, who are trying to become...non-portly. I know..we were shocked also. While we can't give complete detail of what we saw (it was a gruesome scene) we will share our thoughts regarding The Biggest Loser.

Without a doubt there are some serious candidates for PMM poster boy/girl that are on this show. Going into the competition as a team (related, friend, family, etc...) they spend each week working out and weighing in. The objective is simple, lose the most weight by percentage and don't be at the bottom and you get to stay another week and a chance to win the grand prize. In reality, the contestants work out 6-8 hours a day with a personal trainer, burn about 8,000 calories a day and jump on top of a vet scale to find out how much of their portly pot has dissappeared.

OUR OPINION:First off, who wants to be treated like a piece of washed up whale carcass. These poor people (whom we should remember are family) are treated like Shamu at SeaWorld. They have to work out all day, jump through hoops, compete in stupid events and get temptations dropped on them only to be told to walk their fat asses on a cow scale at the end of each week. All for what, skinny people entertainment? Attention - Calling All Tubs, Anybody Home?? Hello!!!! You outwiegh your trainers 10 to 1 and can easily snap their spines and start feeding on their endoskeletons. Don't take their physical and mental abuse. Raise your candy bars high and proud and hold on to every last piece of love handle dignity you have!!

WE LOVED: We loved watching some of the challenges, which only go to prove that the fatty's can be physical and make it to the very end. We also loved some of the sound effects they put in during the challenge, like when the contestents would jump or fall they would add a sound effect not heard since an asteroid hit earth and killed off the dinosaurs. It made us smile. Also, on a side note, one of the main reasons we didn't shut the TV off in frustration and calm our shattered nerves with a 48 pack of White Castle is because that Jillian trainer chick makes us drool more than if a buffet was at Peter Luger's Steakhouse. She can ride our treadmills any day.

WE HATED: We hated the fact that this kind of fat abuse is happening in the world and it's ok. Why is tipping cattle considered cruel, yet making a 400lb man run on a treadmill for six hours "inspirational"? After each commercial break, the freakin show would revert back to showing the last minute before the break. I'm sure they do this because they know us fatties have left the room to gather more food and want to make sure that we know exactly what happen so we'll feel guilty and buy the trainers books or DVD's. We also hated that only because our Dorito and Cheeto stained fingers couldn't hit the fast forward button on the DVR fast enough.

Enough from us. Let's find out what our guests thought.. Barack; Hillary?

"3 OUT OF 5 BELLY OBAMERS"

"4 OUT OF 5 HILLARY HOGS"

God Bless Sports Illustrated!!!! Who the hell else could publish the softest core porn mag with such style? We all know that SI acquires much of their annual wealth from this edition of their magazine which keeps the actual sports issues pumpin' in and out of our mailboxes. Let's face it though, we all bought into the sports editions knowing that sooner than later the "Swimsuit Edition" would follow. It's the gravy on our meatloaf, the bacon of our breakfast (and we LOVE bacon). I can't ever imagine flipping through the pages without first examining the natural beauty of each swimsuit babe, all the curves, the sexy looks and the topless bathing suits that make our imaginations run wild (where are those at the beaches we go to?). Just looking at the cover, we can't imagine what miraculous materials can hold up such beautiful funbags so perfectly. We have already decided that we'd all like to be reincarnated as a swimsuit models bikini. What we appreciate even more than these photographs of beauty, is the fact that such a shoot is captured on video! Of course, YouTube, bless them, has the goods with the sexy Bar Refaeli on her shoot for the SI 2009 edition. She has to be one of the most beautiful women we have ever seen!!! But you be the jugs - I mean judge of that!                                   5 of 5 BELLY OBAMERS                 5 of 5 HILLARY HOGS

We used to hate the CSI shows. It seemed like the only thing CBS had going for it. "Another Law and Order" we thought (with its 400 different series like Law and Order: Homeless Crime Unit), so we blew past the last four seasons and told ourselves that it wasn't worth watching because CBS never had anything decent to show unless it was a sport. For PMM purposes and the advancement of the gravitationally challenged for TV entertainment, we decided to give CSI: NY a try one day. Loaded up on beer and beef we plopped down in our recliners and played through 10 hours of CSI: NY. Here's what we found. Once we got past Gary Sinise being Lt. Dan and that his legs were real, the show got pretty entertaining. Gary Sinise, who plays Detective Mac Taylor leads an awesome cast of Crime Scene Investigators (obviously) without overdoing his role (that's a hint to the guy in Miami). He plays the calm veteran leading his team of investigators WE LOVED: We loved the fact the Gary always played the cool dude in most of his movie roles. It carries through well in this part and actually is believable. His counterpart on CSI Miami (who enjoys doing side poses) and his other counterpart on CSI Vegas (who is up and down about staying on the show) don't really match up to Det. Mac. Perhaps Gary just comes across like the kinda guy who we would grab some beers and a ballgame with and that's what makes him so likeable. WE HATED: There is a hot hottie on the show that kinda reminds us of Reese Witherspoon. Her name is Anna Belknap who plays Detective Lindsay Monroe. She's a southern style hottie that of course is having a romance with one of the other investigators. That story line aggrivated us because it's too soap box opera'ish. Why they ruin these shows with romance, we have no idea. It's like watching the A-Team getting ready for Valentine's Day, it ain't right! Other than that - we thought the show was great and hope that it continues for many more seasons, though they need to do a few episodes involving bizarre food murders or something like that.    4 of 5 BELLY OBAMERS         4 of 5 HILLARY HOGS