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Hallelujah- We
Bring It To Ya! This 800 pound cow hails from England, where angry cows
are sure to be found. After coming to America back in the early 90’s with
dreams of becoming an actress, she could only land movies in the porn business,
starring in such films as “The Barnyard Back 9”, “Bestiality Sally” and “Cow
Whores –The Ranch Hand Strikes Back”. During the sequel to Cow Whores, titled
“Return of the Rib-Eye”, a freak accident on the set involving a cattle prod and
a large pocket of methane gas cooked cast and crew. Now, a withdrawn cow, looking to escape her past and a bad case of hoof
and mouth disease, she seeks a return to stardom. PMM contacted mad cow after
watching her Amateur video titled “The Bull Dyke I Like.” PMM noticed her
unique style of direction, and keen eye for camera angle. We also knew we had
the right cow when, during the interview, she berated several of the janitors,
shot milk at the human resources director, cursed out the pizza delivery boy and
farted when asked what her strong points were. After a lengthy and amusing
interview, she agreed to critique movies for PMM with the stipulation that she
could say what she wanted and cut through the bull and that we made no udder
jokes. Jesus Christ Superstar
So now, I’m stuck watching religious movies and have to tell you all about them. I started with Jesus Christ Superstar…and I wish I hadn’t. Nobody told me this was a musical film, and it was from the 70’s to boot. Please! My mind became numb from the very start of the film…something about people on a bus…then Jesus (or an actor portraying Jesus) is singing and dancing….I almost threw up my triple beef burrito and quart of low grade, back alley made whiskey. Who decided that this would be a good idea to make this movie? Singing and dancing and more singing about Jesus? If I wanted that, I’d stroll into a church on Sunday, thank you very much. I know it was based on a “rock opera” whatever that means, but from one angry cow to you readers, trust me…it was frightening. Every time things would calm down, another song broke out and it was enough to drive me udderly mad (I couldn’t resist…and if you don’t like it, bite me!). I can’t say much more about this as halfway through the movie, I shot milk into the TV set and shorted it out, ending my misery without having to get up (which was a bonus).
The Ten Commandments
I did eventually get to start watching this Oscar-winning epic film, which also had Yul Brenner in it as well as Vincent Price, who wasn’t at all creepy like he is in his other films. But, Heston definitely hammed it up for the camera, and all I kept waiting for was to hear him yell, “You damn dirty apes!”, but he just kept talking about Egypt and God and then he was given those infamous tablets with the 10 rules, or commandments, from God himself and everyone rejoiced. Oh yeah...and at some point, he split the red sea in half, but I think that was just writers license, if you know what I mean…unless he was a Jedi Knight…then I can see that.
Fiddler On the Roof
So, to conclude, if you want two hours of singing and dancing and more singing, then this is for you. For me, I just popped in my copy of Big Udders 4 and am settling in until these jerks from PMM ask me to watch something else or I get eaten.
Well, to start off, these bastards at PMM barge into my barn and inform me that for April, due to it being Easter and Passover, that I have to watch and review some traditional religious movies. “Bullsh*t!” I yelled, mainly because they were standing in a huge pile of it. Then I began to complain because, truthfully, I’m really not a religious cow. I know that I’m worshipped over in that Middle East place, but I’m not there, I’m here and I know that at any moment, some crazed
barbecue
bastard could see me and envision lunch for a month.
I wasn’t thrilled at the prospect of watching a film with Charlton Heston in the lead role…mainly because he and his NRA buddies usually like to shoot my friends and sometimes eat them in order to feel “manly”. I’m sure he wouldn’t have liked it if I went around and started kicking his pals in the balls and dumping out all their milk in an effort to feel more “cowly” (although I would love to know what it’s like to shoot one of those shotguns…damn my hooves!). So, from what I read on the back of the DVD box, the Ten Commandments is yet another religious movie, but this time, it involves this Moses fellow (played by Heston, but without a rifle) who is found as a baby in a basket, because the stroller wasn’t invented yet, grows up in Egypt, is cast out of Egypt by Rameses and then wanders the desert for 40 years, which is just proof that men will NEVER stop and ask for directions. What was he saying the whole time…”I think it’s just over that sand dune”, or “I think we’re supposed to take a left at the oasis”.
I’m going to be honest. I didn’t even watch this film. Yet another musical movie from the 70’s with singing and dancing…not my pitcher of whiskey. If I wanted to watch something old and grainy, I’d stare at a wheat field, which I know would be much more exciting, instead of wasting two hours of my time. I could be watching my favorite cow porn, Hot Beef Injection, with that two hours while trying to find what crunchy corn-based snack goes best with a whiskey sour (less the sour). From what I can tell, this movie is about some Jewish guy named Tevye who has a bunch of daughters who are named: Tzeitel, Hodel, Chava, Shprintze, and Bielke! (Sounds like a sentence: I was at the Hodel Chava and I ordered a white wine Shprintze with a rice Bielke and an order of Tzeitel to go). Well, Tevye is a simple milkman married to Golde in the town of Anatevka. From what I surmise, his daughters are out of control, marrying all the wrong people and Tevye, being a traditional kind of guy, is all mad because his daughters are drifting away from tradition. Its been said that life in that small town is as precarious as a Fiddler on the Roof…although this begs the question on WHY a fiddler would be playing on any roof. I don’t know one fiddler who looks at a roof and thinks, “that looks like a safe place to play my fiddle”. Most of them like to play their fiddles in private…ba-zing!