Holy Moses
The Speedy Cooler
For emergency beer response- call in the motorized cooler!!!
© 2009 Portlymanmonthly.com
Go Tell It On The
Mountain Here
come the holidays... What better way to celebrate than to get the
latest gadget for your portly crib. So nail your ass to the couch
(no pun intended) and check out some of the latest gadgets that we think
will kick some serious cellulite!
Grab Your Yamika and Celebrate
Hammaka
We had a ton of fun on these damn
things and even started having swing set fights.
Highly NOT recommended because severe bruising will most certainly occur. It seemed pretty durable, but we can't guarantee that Walter Hudson would be supported in one (much less even Walter
Hudson's leg.) So err on the side of caution if your crapper exceeds standard capacity.
On a side note
- we did happen to notice one optional use for
this thing. If you haven't noticed it yet,
then perhaps the fact is looks like the perfect
lazy man's sex swing might brighten that light
bulb. Yes, we noticed it and think the
manufacturers did as well when they kept
referring to hanging it in the bedroom.
No shame in this game and we think you'll love it. Seems durable, very comfy and a great idea as long as you have a place to put it. Simon of the Cross
Whatever moron
thought of this thing should be shot. A
plastic toy that continues to make an aggravating
sound until you are able to play a sequence of light
patterns. AHHAHAHAH - and they made it plastic
and destructible! Ya know what sequence
apparently works best is the one where it hits the
wall doing about 60+ miles per hours. The
buttons seem to bounce and roll around quite easily
and might be a choking hazard to animals and
children. Perhaps you too if you are craving a
Life Savers Candy. Either way, it's a cool
invention but lacks anything valuable unless your
intention is to give it as a gift to your worst
enemy!
Papyrus Beer Opener Why the hell
didn't we think of this......?????? Part The Seas and Let Your People
Go!!
It brought us into the topic of
home decor for the holidays. Christmas
decorating is pretty manly so long as it is outdoors
and requires a ladder. But what about Easter?
Is there anything cool about putting a giant rabbit
on your lawn? What about Passover, why the
hell can't you splatter blood on the outside of the
doors while you listen for the non-believers to
perish...? OK, back on the subject.
As we browsed the "Chosen Isle" we found this...
It does take "holy crap" to a whole new level.
So prepare to part the seas my friend and let
your people go!
Damn
right, son... The Hammaka is here and it's
here to stay. Plop your semi-portly ass on
this bad boy of relaxation and feel the effects of
gravity just disappear. The Hammaka Cradle Chair Hammock offers all of the comfort and durability of the Original Hammaka Chair at a reduced price. The oak hardwood dowels have a chic natural finish and are extremely durable and rugged. This hammock chair can hang from a ceiling or from the optional Hammaka Tripod, Hammaka Z Stand or Trailer Hitch Stand. The Hammaka Cradle Chair Hammock is ideal for the office, dorm rooms, living rooms, bedrooms, porches, campsites, beaches, cabins, or anywhere else that can be enhanced by the cozy, relaxing feel of the most comfortable chair on Earth.
Waking up just isn't the same anymore since Simon has become your alarm clock. We found this thing to be quite comical. Imagine this - the most annoying sound in God's creation (other than the musical stylings of Pink) and the damn thing won't shut off until you actually play the game. For those of you who were barely born in the 80's; Simon is an audio visual game in which you
memorize a sequence and replay that sequence on and on until you fail. Imagine doing that crap at 5:00AM. Yeah, ok!
It
can't get an more inappropriate than this..
Actually, I'm sure we'll find something else to
insult you in future releases of PMM, but for now
it's the best of the worst! So fishing around
the web we stumbled upon this little gem at Baron
Bob's web site
www.baronbob.com We couldn't stop laughing
at some the tuff that was on here, but mostly this.